Fifty Shades of Shut the !@#& up.

BLAH!

I hate this whole "Fifty Shades of Grey" thing. The trailer just came out for the movie, set to open on Valentine's day 2015 and now everyone on the interwebz is talking about it (including me, I realize). I read the books, emphasis on the S; as there are more than one book. I read them for fun, for enjoyment. They were not well written, they were simple, easy to read, sexy - FUN. Did the characters piss me off? Yes. Did I think the writing was second rate, at best? Yes. Did I read them on vacation while I was laying on the beach? Yes.

Honestly, before today, this movie wouldn't have even crossed my mind again until my husband and I decide to rent it from Redbox some night next year when we have a full bottle of wine and the kids are tucked into bed.

The reason I'm talking about it today is because I made the mistake of reading an idiotic blog post written by a MAN about the four reasons why every WOMAN should boycott the 50 Shades movie. Let me just preface this by saying that after a little bit of exploration on his blog, it turns out that this man and I have VERY different opinions when it comes to marriage, sex, religion, etc. So clearly, his opinions on the matter are going to differ quite a bit from mine.

My first problem with this blog was that it was a MAN telling the women of America that they should avoid this movie. Because you know, we women can never have enough men telling us what to do.

My second problem with his position is that he never read the books. As I mentioned before, the writing is not superb, but I don't think that was the goal of the author anyway. Sometimes you just need to enjoy a book for what it is, but if you haven't even read it, how can you feel so strongly against it? I will agree when he says this is not art. That is true. It is not art. Is not meant to move you. It is meant to make you move to your sex dungeon, with your lover and an array of toys.

Third, he makes it about religion. I won't get into the debate surrounding this one, but I will say that my personal belief is that God (or whoever you prefer) created the act of sex to be enjoyed by both males and females and in many different forms - even if that involves a riding crop and two (or more) willing participants.

Fourth, he claims you aren't a feminist if you support the movie. Because this man, who is condemning women who decide to watch this movie, is apparently Feminist of the Year. Let me explain something- every woman has a choice to watch this movie or not. Every woman has a choice to read erotic novels or not. Honestly, I think this whole "Fifty Shades" phenomenon is a good thing for females. When the books came out, it was as though men all over were just learning that women enjoy sex outside of the context of the physical activity that takes place in a kitchen, shower, car, dark alley, bedroom. Wait, women like reading erotic stories? Women like sex? Women might actually enjoy watching pornographic scenes in a movie like this?! What kind of women are these? I'll tell you who - mothers, nurses, physicians, professors, social workers, scientists, philanthropists, teachers and the list goes on. Sex does not belong to men. Pornography does not belong to men. Arousal and excitement about sexual possibilities do not belong to men. So what if a woman enjoys being dominated in the bedroom? If I recall correctly, the main female character ENJOYED the sexual acts that occurred between herself and Mr Grey. Does that mean she can't be a feminist? I certainly don't think so.

For me, this debate is not about the Fifty Shades movie, but about what is and has been socially acceptable in terms of women's sexuality for years and years. The truth is, women are sexual beings with sexual desires that match or exceed those of our male counterparts. This book series and now movie just acted as an introduction of erotic entertainment for men and women into the social mainstream. Let's be honest, men and women alike have been reading and watching pornographic and erotic content for years. Stereotypically it has been accepted and publicized as having a male audience, but we are finally seeing that many women are also part of this audience. In my opinion, this should not be shocking. This should not be reason to boycott a movie or book. Is this movie going to harm the future of my children or my children's children? I find that very unlikely. So if you want to go see 50 Shades of Grey on Valentine's day with your husband, lover, boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, best friend - please, enjoy it. And if you choose to forgo it in order to stay home and act out your own sexual fantasies, more power to you. As for me, I think I'll just stay in and watch PornHub with my husband instead. At least they are planting trees . If I can't be a feminist, at least I can be an environmentalist.

Sucked back in

Because I'm the youngest of four kids, I grew up without a lot of things my siblings had mostly because by the time my mom got to me, she was exhausted, forgot, or just realized I'd be fine without them. For example, I don't have a baby book or a baby blanket or any of that stuff that most kids (and each of my siblings) have. Besides the countless therapy sessions I've required due to the absence of these things, I've ultimately been able to live a normal life despite not being able to look back on these items and passing them on to my kids (I'm kidding mom, relax). Yet, I've tried to make it a point to do these things for both of my kids so that some day they won't be able to give me a guilt trip in some blog or whatever other kind of public forum their generation comes up with. I mean, I'm sure they are going to find plenty of things to give me mom guilt about, but I am at least trying to keep their therapy sessions to a minimum.

So, since my last post, I succumbed to the mommy guilt (they're already doing it!) of having made a 'quiet book' for one kid and not the other. Not that my one-year-old would even know, sit still long enough to look at it, or not be able to grow into a stable human being without it. Yet, I still felt the need to delve back into the crafting abyss and make a one-year-old version of a quiet book. I'll be honest, hers looks like a total half-assed version of what I did for my three-year-old, but I didn't want to make one full of small pieces that she would swallow/choke on/stick in her orifices. And honestly, I'm too lazy to make two really awesome things in one week. Instead, I made a numbers and shapes 'lift-the-flap' book. It's good enough for her to destroy or ignore during our flight:

Again, this was done with just felt, scissors, and glue. Then I just hand sewed the 'pages' together to make it into a book. I might end up reinforcing the flaps with a couple of stitches so they will be harder to rip off of the pages. Super simple and easy. I bet she'll love ripping the glued-on stuff off and putting them in her mouth just to prove a point. Then one day she can get on a public forum and bitch about the fact that I made her a shoddy version of her brother's book that she choked on in-flight.

I'll just start saving for therapy now.

Pinterest, go eff yourself.

So, I did pretty well at staying away from Pinterest for a long time. Even after I joined, I looked at some stuff, pinned a few things, then forgot about it. However, recently I have been spending more time looking at all of the cute stuff 'good' moms do with/for their kids because we have an upcoming vacation (can you call it a vacation if you are bring a 1 and 3 year old with you?) that requires us to fly with two toddlers - in an actual airplane...not just a giant cardboard box we are pretending is an airplane while making obnoxious vvvvrrrrrmmmm sounds. A few years ago we flew with our then 18 month old and it went fairly well thanks to a portable DVD player, a Mickey Mouse Clubhouse DVD, and a lollipop, but now there are two of them and I have definitely lost some sanity over the past two years, so I feel the need to prepare a little more just to try to make it a little easier and more enjoyable for all of us.

So I got on Pinterest and typed in "activities for a toddler on a plane". As you probably know, Pinterest is a GD rabbit hole and sucks you into it's deep, dark abyss as soon as you push enter. I start repinning like a fiend - homemade busy bags, marble mazes, homemade dry erase coloring pages - and all the while the voice in my head (one of them anyway, Hi Susan!) is saying "Who are you kidding? You aren't actually going to DO any of these". I was determined to at least attempt one and either delight in my success at finally becoming a 'good' mom *eye roll* or laugh at my Pinterest fail. I eventually picked these felt boards because it looked easy enough for me and required some felt and a pair of scissors.

People who know that I enjoy painting and drawing seem to assume that my artistic abilities mean I MUST be good at crafting, but to be honest, I'm not good at it. I don't love it. I don't get it. I paint. I draw. I don't make homemade bow boards and wreaths and felt boards! But wait, I *do* make felt boards....and I enjoy it.

In fact, I got a little crazy crazier. I started having so much fun with this felt project that I fell straight from the Pinterest rabbit hole into the crafting rabbit hole. What was going to be felt boards turned into a hand sewn felt 'quiet' book. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's not a masterpiece, but considering I was expecting a Pinterest fail, I'm pretty happy with how it turned out:

I ended up making the little pockets to hold the felt pieces when they aren't being used mostly because I could imagine those little suckers getting lost the first time he uses it (still going to happen, I'm sure) and also because he really enjoys doing buttons and snaps right now, so it adds some fun to the activity.

So here is where I say "Pinterest, go eff yourself" because the truth is, I spent way too much time on something that my 3 year old will probably not play with because he'll be too busy sticking peanuts up his nose and kicking the seat in front of him.