still in the closet

So, since last time I posted, I haven't *actually* told anyone about this blog, nor have I shared the link. In fact, I mostly forgot about it except for at these brief intervals when I'm thinking about something and the thought crosses my mind that it would make an interesting blog post.

So it's been two months of a whole lot of thinking (a little drinking) and not a lot of writing, but I think I have a decent excuse - aside from the fact that I have two small leeches attached to me at most times throughout the day and can't even poop in peace let alone sit down to write a blog post for 'fun'. I don't know what to write about.

Wait. Didn't I just say I would think of things that would be interesting blog posts? Yes? Okay, just so we all know what side of Crazytown I live on.

The problem is that I'll be thinking about an interesting topic, but because I don't really have a goal for this blog, I'm not sure if I should just write about the random BS that consumes my mind on any given day or if I should hone it down to a more specific genre like parenting or marriage or sex - you know, since I'm an expert at those things.

The truth is, in the future I will probably write whatever is on my mind that day. It might be a vent about how challenging my almost 3 year old is, it may be a story about the time my dog ran away from her own poop, or it might be a post about my snowmeese. I'm not sure yet, but I can tell you this, you won't read anything profound on here. You *might* read something profane though...

blog of shame.

In high school I used to have this motto. It was only 3 words and I used to say it with one of my friends who shall remain nameless (and therefore blameless). Initially it was a joke, then it became sort of a joke, then it became a little more serious, until it became my mantra, my truth, my crutch:

"Deny, deny, deny."

So, that moment when someone confronted me about something unpleasant or inappropriate that I did, these three words would pop up in my mind and I would 'alter' the story to make it more acceptable to the audience. Here's a totallyuntrueneverwouldIdoanyhhingofthesort example:

Friend calls and says, "I heard you kissed my boyfriend at the party this weekend."

My hypothetical response (because I never would have been in this situation more than twice, ever) would be, "No. That very unacceptable situation did not occur." (Deny)

She might then respond by saying, "You can't deny it, he even admitted it to me." I then say, "He's always been a liar." (Deny)

Then the final test, "Someone got it on camera." To which I obviously reply, "It must have been that slutty girl that everyone keeps saying looks like me. Mystery solved." (Deny)

It's been a long time since I've had a conversation like that. A very long time. Turns out, when you stop doing unfavorable things, you no longer have a reason to live by such a 'motto'. So why has this topic come come up now? It's been at least seven years since I've done anything that requires even a measly 2 denials, let alone a third.

Until now.

I've done something that I never thought I would do. It's something that a former me would have cringed at. Obviously, my first thought was that if it somehow became public knowledge I would just revert back to my old ways and pull out the three magic words, but I can't go back to that. I must take accountability for my actions, no matter how repulsive they are. So here I am. On a public forum. Admitting, instead of denying.

So, what did I do? Brace yourself.

I.

Started.

A.

Blog.